April 26, 2005

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Sorry, once again, that my Xanga-ing has been less frequent these days. Things are busy and the internet is the #1 most dangerous distraction. But anyways, things are going well, life is pretty good. Classes are over, so now I just have to study for finals and write a paper. Not too bad. The next few weeks should be fun. What I really felt compelled to write about tonight is a sort of coming-to-terms experience I had in my faith today. It's been sort of an ongoing process, one which I have definitely fought back against and tried to deny but I realize now that I can't, and I shouldn't want to. I've been struggling a lot lately with the idea that I'm a "younger" Christian than pretty much all of my Christian friends, and so at least in some ways, I'm definitely less mature in my faith than they are and I'm not really solid in my faith like most of the people around me are (or at least seem to be). The human side of me really really hates that and resents it and fights it to no end. I'm just as old as my friends are (more or less) and it's not my fault I didn't grow up as a Christian - I should be just as mature and just as solid as they are. It's not fair! But I've been realizing that one step in becoming mature is learning to be authentic. Humility has been a big thing for me pretty much all year - something I've really been working towards. Right now the hardest aspect of humility for me is authenticity - being real about where I'm at because even though I'm not happy with where I'm at, God loves me too much to leave me that way and His process of growing me up - slow and difficult though it may be - is going to bring Him so much glory and truly make me His. And if I'm authentic, people get to watch that happen and see what God does. It's not my job to show people what God is like - it's my job to be a mirror that reflects him and a window that allows people to see into my heart and see the work that God is doing there. It's still hard though. It makes me feel left out sometimes. It makes me feel ugly. I feel like people aren't going to think as highly of me or think that I'm not a good Christian or something. I'm afraid someone's going to dumb things down for me or belittle my problems or struggles because they've already been through them. And I'm afraid of being a burden, and being loved just because people think they ought to take care of me. Why do I get so insulted? The funny thing is, I was the exact same way about growing up as a pre-teen. It hit me tonight that I kinda regret that. I wish I hadn't spent so much time in 5th grade wishing I could shave my legs, wear make-up and have a boyfriend. I should've run around on the playground more. And now, as I'm spiritually "growing up"... Well, God has a reason for doing it the way He does. And I have to remember, it's in our best interest... "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) Not only is God always doing what's best for me - painful though it might be at times - He is working in every single detail such that His good and my good are the same. This process is better for both of us. So why shouldn't I be perfectly content to walk along side my Father, holding His hand while He teaches me of the simplest things and guides my wobbly steps? Someday my strides will be longer and He will show me even greater mysteries and impart to me even greater wisdom. But why not enjoy and embrace each step of the process? If I'm afraid of being a burden, am I really afraid of that for other people's sake or am I just afraid of my weaknesses being known? Am I afraid of being loved? Being loved can hurt sometimes, it's not always easy. But I suppose we all have a time when we are young and need people to care for us, and later on we will become those people who care for others. It takes humility to recognize that I need help, and I need guidance. I have to learn to do that. I can seek God on my own but I am dependent on God's family. For those of you who read my analysis of the first 8 chapters of C.S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters, you might remember my analogy of learning to ride a bike without training wheels, with God holding onto the back of the seat and running with me until it's time to let go. I can't let myself be ashamed just because I'm learning to ride a bike later than the other kids. I certainly can't hide the fact that they can do it and I'm still learning. But nothing should stop me from getting back on that bike, pedaling as hard as I can, and, even when I fall off halfway down the driveway, being excited about how far I make it and eager to try again, knowing that my God loves me and He will never leave me or love me any less no matter how many times I fall and skin my knee. Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far has the LORD helped us." 1 Samuel 7:12 P.S. This whole post is either really uplifting and inspiring or really really cheesy... remember, I do have the (spiritual?) gift of analogy... Jesus is like a spaceship... if you want an explanation for that one just ask me... I love y'all.