July 31 - Aug. 14, 2006

Monday, August 14, 2006

It just sank in. I'm leaving in two weeks to study abroad in Germany for a year!!! How do I feel? Some crazy combination of thrilled and terrified. You see, it's like this: Here I am now, at home, in Happy Smiley Land because life is great right now and I'm just, well, happy! I am now approaching the boundary between Happy Smiley Land and My Future which happens to include something I've dreamed of doing for many years - spending a year studying in Germany - and the possibility of finding out a good deal more about what the rest of my life might look like - or at least the next few years. My Future looks quite exciting, and in fact I've been anticipating it for quite some time. But see, in order to get there, I have to leave Happy Smiley Land behind. And even though I've always been excited to travel to My Future , I've never actually been there before. And, you see, it's not like going to Berlin on a vacation. If it were, I would be very briefly leaving Happy Smiley Land to journey to Holy Smokes I'm in Germany This is Soooooooo Sweet!!! Land . I'd be, like, going nuts. And I always pictured I'd be like that when I headed off for my year abroad. But now I'm worried that I'm going to miss out on that "initial euphoria" (as my study abroad packet defines the first phase of "culture shock") because I'll be missing Happy Smiley Land . It's really very silly because Happy Smiley Land is not going to disappear, and I do get to go back. It's not like I'm saying goodbye forever. (Now don't even get me started on what-ifs like, "What if God really is calling me to go live over there?" or "What if there really is a 'Günther' over there waiting for me to fall in love with him and marry him?" heh heh heh...) It all just seems so big. I'm heading off to Germany, saying goodbye to many people that I love and have felt so at home with this summer as well as the most amazing friends I could've hoped for at school. My brother starts his senior year of high school tomorrow. Like that's not weird or anything... riiiiiiight. Summer's basically over. It's weird. Weird weird. God, please grant me peace! Peace rules!

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Monday, July 31, 2006

I made a somewhat frightening realization tonight. As much as I've done this summer, I'm not sure what I've learned. I'm not sure how I've changed or grown. I'm not sure what God is doing in my life right now. Is it possible that I've been so concerned with trying to help or fix or improve other people that I've neglected to work on improving myself? Or have I just wound up not being fed somehow this summer? Or am I just unable to see what God is doing or what I'm learning and how I'm changing? That's a big deal! Also, I've made a decision. I don't really want an iPod or other mp3-player right now. I want to save my money to fly myself to Philly for Michelle's wedding. In other news, I really really really want to get over my trust issues. I'm tired of being secretly suspicious or skeptical of people I love, people who I'm supposed to trust as my leaders. I don't want to lose my own ability to discern (if I even have much of one), I just want to quit assuming the worst about people all the time. It's this really ugly form of pride and I'm quite infected by it. Oh yeah, VBS rocked my world. I am still ridiculously crazy about kids. Praise God for Hannah, who prayed to receive Christ as her savior at VBS! I had tons of fun. My mom worked at it too and we had a blast together. I've decided that grown-ups would be soooooooo much happier if they would get over themselves and just decide to be kids again. Like, no joke. Grown-ups are sooooooo boring and they think they're just too old and tired to do what kids do, and in some circumstances they might be, but most of the time, they really just think they're too cool, and they need to get over themselves because they're the ones missing out. Besides, God wants us to come to Him as little children, and He really meant it - you can learn an awful lot from kids. Wow this was a random post. :)