Jan. 31 - Feb. 4, 2005

Friday, February 04, 2005

It all seems so simple now. I'm talking, of course, about the situation at home that I wrote so much about - trying to make amends and struggling with whether things would ever be the same. God has shown me and taught me a lot in the last month. I may be wrong, but I have a lot of faith and a lot of hope that things won't ever be the same. They'll be better. After coming back to Penn, I was really torn over what to do... I went through stages of being mad, being sad, feeling like it was hopeless... and then I finally came to the realization that the problem in all of this was that I was afraid to love her. I was afraid of getting hurt. Then after wallowing in that for a day or so it hit me. What a coward I was! And how selfish! I can't let my fear of getting hurt stop me from loving people as God calls us to love. In my last post I was asking God to give me courage to love, even when it hurts. That is probably my biggest prayer for myself right now. I'm a bit ashamed to admit this, but it didn't even hit me until last night that Jesus knew it would hurt Him so much more than we could imagine to love us. We were lowly sinners completely unworthy of His love, and yet He suffered physically and emotionally to love us. It's Leidenschaft - passion. Loving when it hurts because love surpasses all the hurt. She is certainly no less worthy of my love than I am of hers. I know that she loves me and cares for me a lot. And even if she didn't, it wouldn't change my calling to love her selflessly. If God loved me as a sinner and gave His life in love for me, who in the world am I not to love her? She's not perfect but neither am I! I am so far from it. Who am I to accuse? The greatest aspect of all of this is that I feel totally at peace right now because I have hope in what lies ahead. We might not be healed just yet. Things might still be awkward, even when I go home in a month for spring break. But then there's the whole summer, and who knows what opportunities God might give us, and if we persevere in love we will be healed, and our relationship will be even better than it was. That's so exciting. Especially when I think of how wonderful my home church is, and how awesome it will be to continue to grow in all of those relationships. God works for the good of those who love Him, and He is good all the time. Every day is sweeter than the day before. God is not one to be stagnant, and neither are His blessings. Thanks to everyone who read all of this - I hope it would be an encouragement to you. It's not an easy lesson to learn but it's been one of the most blessing convictions I've experienced. This time there's no turning back - I'm not falling back into self-pity or fear or bitterness again. It's over, for good. And my hope is in His promise, which outlasts everything else. This passage is a must: If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. ~1 Corinthians 13 Grace, peace, courage, hope, faith, and love to you all.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

	Lord, give me the courage to love even when it hurts To hold on when everyone else is letting go. Teach me to be a woman of grace To have faith in who I am becoming To rejoice in the hope that you give And to believe the promise You have made The promise I have in You.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

You Were There - Avalon I wonder how it must have felt When David stood to face Goliath on a hill I imagine that he shook with all his might Until You took his hand, and held on tight 'Cause You were there, You were there In the midst of danger's snare You were there, You were there always You were there when the hardest fight Seemed so out of reach Oh, You were there, You were always there You were always there So there he stood upon that hill Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans And just in time, You brought a lamb 'Cause You were there, You were there In the midst of the unclear You were there, you were there always You were there when obedience Seemed to not make sense You were there, You were always there You were always there So haven't I learned that my ways Aren't as high as Yours are And You alone keep the universe From crumbling into dust You are God and though we would Not have understood You There You were Hanging blameless on a cross You would rather die than leave us in the dark Every moment, every planned coincidence Just all makes sense With Your last breath You were there, You were there During history's darkest hour You were there, You were there always You were the Victor and the King You were the power in David's swing You were the calm in Abraham You are the God who understands You are the strength when we have none You are the living, Holy one You were, You are and You will always be the Risen Lamb of God

Monday, January 31, 2005

Finally got my internet back, though I'm still having some struggles with it. Oh well. In the meantime, I'm diggin' this song. 23 - Jimmy Eat World I felt for sure last night At once we said goodbye No one else will know these lonely dreams No one else will know that part of me I'm still driving away And I'm sorry every day I wont always love these selfish things I wont always live... no Stop it... It was my turn to decide I knew this was our time No one else will have me like you do No one else will have me, only you You'll sit alone forever If you wait for the right time What are you hoping for? I'm here and now I'm ready Holding on tight Don't give away the end The one thing that stays mine Amazing still it seems I'll be 23 (19) I wont always love what I'll never have I wont always live in my regrets You'll sit alone forever If you wait for the right time What are you hoping for? I'm here and now I'm ready Holding on tight Don't give away the end The one thing that stays mine